Thoughts

[PBP] D is for Divination

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Divination is a practice wherein one, through ritualistic method, tries to find meaning and gain insight to answer a question or help make sense of or deal with a situation. The name implies that the found insight is given by a a deity. However, I believe that the answers and insights found are a combination of factors. We have many layers of consciousness and are often unaware of a lot of things inside our own brain. Working with a divination method can bring things to the surface. Also, the energy with which you surround yourself influences how you see things. And beyond that, I believe the universe, or even one or more entities can push things when you’re interpreting if they feel you need to know something, or take something into account.

There are so many forms of divination, but I am mostly interested in two of them: tarot/oracle decks and runes.

Tarot and Oracle Decks

Tarot is a deck of cards with a specific set of cards divided in two subsets. The full deck consists of 78 cards of which 22 numbered ones make up the major arcana and the remaining 56, split up into four suits, are the minor arcana. There are many variants in design for a tarot deck, but all generally use the same terms and numberings. Oracle decks are similar but generally have different terms, different number of cards, different themes. The general idea in using them, though, is mainly identical to how you would use a tarot deck.

For a standard tarot deck, like the Rider-Waite version and direct spin-offs, there are standard interpretations of the cards. However, interpretation can differ from deck to deck as the individual designs evoke different feelings and insights. Plus, I’m notoriously bad at remembering the standard meanings, and don’t like to continuously consult a book or booklet. So for me, a more organic reading feels better.

Oracle decks are generally already built for a more organic reading, and I think that’s why I like them. There is no implied ‘right’ way to read a card. Plus since they lack the constraint of the standardized tarot deck, they can be in literally any theme you can think of.

The use of a deck is also varied. You can pull a single card from the deck as a card-of-the-day type thing or have an elaborate layout to answer questions or process complicated situations. I prefer simple spreads because I like to ponder over the result and extrapolate from there. So card-of-the-day things, or maybe a basic three card spread in a past-present-future setup. There, the first card details what came before the current situation, the second indicates what’s up at the moment, and the third card gives insight in what might happen.

It’s important to have clear, before you start a spread, what the function of each place in the layout is. If you use the aforementioned three-card one, you need to narrow down what exactly you need it to show. Because ‘the past’ and ‘the future’ are too broad. If, for example, you feel stressed out at work, you can define the past-card as ‘what is the root cause of the stress’, the present-card as ‘what is currently the main thing keeping me stressed’ and then define the future-card as ‘what do I need to focus on to get past the stress’ . While not strictly foretelling a future here, it can give you insight into what to do in the future to help your current situation. Extrapolating, you can build a spread to suit your question or situation.

As such, tarot isn’t so much ‘telling the future’ as it is a tool to help you understand yourself, your situation, your life.

I’m a very minor collector of decks. I don’t have as many as I would like, but good decks can be pricey. I started out with a regular Rider-Waite deck, bought in my teens during my first steps on the pagan road. For years that was the only deck I had. I used it occasionally. It’s only been the last year or two that I’ve gotten more interested, even though I still don’t read as much as I’d like. But step by step we also get where we go. I have in that last two years acquired more decks, and it’s fun to see that each has its own vibe and different decks fit different moments, questions or feelings.

I’m currently eyeing this oracle deck. I bought her tarot deck in the same style in her previous kickstarter and it is fabulous.

Runes

Runes fascinate me because they are also an alphabet. And languages in all their forms are like magic unto itself to me. Plus, they have this long history, which is another passion of mine. Runes were in use among Germanic tribes in the first couple centuries of the common era and evolved in form. In Scandinavia the Elder Futhark was simplified into the Younger Futhark with less characters, while Frisians and Anglo-Saxons did the opposite: they created the Futhorc which had more characters.

Every rune isn’t just a letter, it is also a word. And from and through that, it derived meaning. The runes were used as signs and charms, ascribed magic powers they got imbued with it. They were also used for divination by throwing them on a piece of white cloth and then taking a number of them and interpreting their meanings together.

As such, they are still used today. However, since very little is known about how the divination was done exactly, there are different interpretations on how to do this. Some people use runes in a way that is similar to tarot/oracle decks in that they use spreads and layouts where runes are placed as they are drawn and then interpreted according to the layout. I, however, prefer to use casting whereby I throw the lot of them on a cloth.

I then take the ones that fell blind (since the rune is only on one side) out, as they don’t count for that casting. I also take apart the ones that fell outside the cloth, or the shape that I’m using. Depending on the question, these runes either get interpreted as being outside influences, or also get discarded. The remaining, open, runes get interpreted together.

A quicker method, for a simple draw if you have little time or a simpler question is to cast your runes as above. Discard the blind ones and the ones outside the perimeter and then grab three at random from the remaining open ones to interpret. You can also use a daily rune draw as a motivator or power word for the day.

If you want a middle ground between casting and spreads, you can construct a pattern with different areas and then cast the runes on to that. This allows you to interpret groups of runes together, as they apply to the area they fall in.

 

In the end, for both systems, it’s important to do what feels right for you. Only you can tell what does and does not work for you.

Blog About Me [14/52] What If I Won The Lottery

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Oh, I would do sooooo many things. I’d mainly be sensible about it, though. Money can’t buy you happiness and such, but it damn well can make life easier.

I’d buy a house somewhere out in the countryside, all paid off and everything. A place to live, but also a place to fall back on while doing other shit. I’d either quit my job or drastically cut my hours for at least a year or so to go traveling. There are so many places I wanna see, on and off the beaten path, new and old. I want to go back to Edinburgh, for example, but I also want to visit Scandinavia, and go to the US, and visit New Zealand, and Mongolia and,  and, and…

I’d buy some other things, car, good computer/entertainment system throughout the house, many books, more geeky shit, stuff like that 😀 And I would spend it on my family and friends, help them out if they have a tight spot, stuff like that. I’d also look into good community efforts/programs around where I live to see if they need a hand, financially speaking. It’s good to give back to your community.

Then after traveling and re-settling in my shiny new house, I’d go back to school (linguistics, or maybe sociology or, or, or…) Also, work on all the various creative things that I like to do. And I’d like to open up a small shop with fantasy/scifi/geeky/and-so-on books, related merchandise, maybe some cd/dvd/games. And cupcakes. Basically a one stop shop for all your geeky needs.

Blog About Me [13/52] My Earliest Memory

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Ehm… this is a hard one. I have very little actual memories from my childhood. I blocked a lot of stuff because of all the hospital shit that comes with having hip dysplasia and the associated surgeries. Things I do ‘remember’ I’m not sure if I’m actually remembering them, or just remember being told about them, or having seen pictures.

I remember me and my childhood friend Esther sliding down the bannister at my house. I remember us playing with My Little Ponies once at her house. I remember this because it were rare occasions, usually we just played outside and pretended to be people from books (notably Pluk van de Petteflet). I think we were about 8-10 or so?

Ooh, wait. I remember being in preschool (around 3) and this other boy in the group hit me on the head. I don’t know why, or what I did next. I just remember he hit me on the head 😀

 

Blog About Me [11/52] Some of My Favourite Things

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I love many things. And my favourite things change often. However, have here a few of my enduring favourite things, and a few current favourite things (that might end up being enduring favourites 😀 )

Books

There is nothing material that I love more than books. Books are my friends, my escape, my dreams, my refuge, my calm in the storm and my storm in the calm. Without books, I cannot be.

Words

Not actually material, but words are what shapes my world. I love many other forms of expression, colours, music, but words are my preferred form and through them, I am.

Texture

I’m a very tactile person. I always have this need to touch things, to experience them, and in that, few things delight me more than all the different textures of the world. I marvel how two things that are basically the same, can feel so different. How my one cat has a more coarse feeling fur and the other feels silky smooth. How minor things can completely change how something feels. One stroke of paint on a canvas can feel completely different, even though made with the same brush and the same paint. But the paint may be slightly thicker, or it might be in a slightly different direction.

Postcards

On to slightly more mundane things. I love postcards. Both to keep and look at, or frame and hang, and to send to people. They’re the perfect size to let someone know you’re thinking of them, and in choosing which card to send, you give thought to the person and who they are. I always try my best to find cards that really fit a person. I have a small pile of cards that I particularly love. Once moved, I will be able to hang these so I can look at them more

Hoodies

I love to take my bigger hoodie and put it on, especially when it’s slightly colder, and to just let myself disappear in it. Hoodies are warm, and comfortable and protective. They’re the embodiment of hugs.

Cheesecake

This is the pinnacle of deliciousness 🙂

Blog About Me [4/52] What Am I Afraid Of

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I’m not often afraid. Concerned on occasion, apprehensive sometimes. But really being afraid of something, being scared, either of or for, that is rare. Not because I never experience those feelings, but because I refuse to let that get to me. So I work hard to reduce fear by trying to understand its core. To understand what it is about the thing that scares me and then trying to work through that. There’s a reason why one of my favourite quotes is “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself” as said by Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Fear, when unchecked, can completely freeze you and cause you to make stupid choices. I’ve experienced both, and would like to not have that happen regularly.

So, at this point the only things I fear are

– Death. Not the actual process of dying, but what comes next. The not existing anymore. I really like living and being me and stuff. The idea that I at some point will stop being, is chilling. And I’m not sure if there’s anything after this life, but if there is, I’m not sure it will be in a form that will necessarily remember me, so the point remains.

– The dentist. The root of the problem with the dentist is that I like to be in control of what happens to me. And for me that means seeing what happens and being able to clearly indicate what I like and don’t like and when I want things to stop. At the dentist however, you’re pretty helpless. Lying down, not able to see what goes on in your mouth, and not able to clearly indicate when you’re uncomfortable because you can’t speak. Add to that the dentist I had as a kid who, without warning or whatever pulled my incisor. It had to come out, it was my baby tooth that, instead of falling out when the adult incisor came through, got pushed upwards. However, that was the point where I stopped trusting dentists.

– Rollercoasters and related rides, things like bungeejumping and such. I think this ties in to the death thing. There’s always the underlying thought that I might fall out or something. Especially since most of those things are open on the top.

Subtitles

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Watching an episode of CSI now, and over here in the Netherlands, foreign shows are subtitled. And the person who subtitled this episode is really good. I often complain about subtitling and how they botch jokes, innuendo, double entendres and so on. But this was a very good re-write in Dutch of a joke.

Scene: Two pathologists are talking about closed room murders, which turns into closed room jokes. Eventually, the following dialogue happens (slightly paraphrased):

Doc 1: You’re in a closed room with a table and a saw, but no doors and no windows. How do you get out?
Doc 2: I don’t know.
Doc 1: You cut the table in half. Two halves make a…?
Doc 2: …hole.

After this the scene went on to discuss how the murderer must have found some way to create or find some kind of  ‘hole’ to get in and out.

The subtitle then went like this:

Doc 1: Je bent in een kamer met een vrouw, geen deuren en geen ramen. Hoe kom je eruit?
Doc 2: Ik weet het niet.
Doc 1: Negen maanden wachten en…
Doc 2: …ontsluiting.

Literally:

Doc 1: You’re in a room with a woman, no windows, no doors. How you get out?
Doc 2: I don’t know.
Doc 1: Wait nine months and then…
Doc 2: …dilation.

Very clever way to get to the same point (a hole) without losing the joke (since the two halves don’t make a ‘hole’ in Dutch). Kudos!

Names

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Lately I’ve been thinking about names, specifically my own. I’m wondering how I’d feel if I had a more neutral name, something less obviously girl, but not a fully masculine name either. However, names that are used for boys and girls, usually started out as, or are derived from, single gender names. So I got to wondering what the conversion rates were, how many former boy names are now seen as boy and girl (or even purely girl) and vice versa. This starts out as a mostly anglo-centric piece as I tend to gravitate towards those names myself, but I will touch on Dutch names at the end.

Starting with some current,  more or less gender-neutral names that I like – both English and Dutch – such as Riley, Alex, Puck, Robin, Max, Noah or Chris, I notice something.  It seems that all these names come from a masculine base, or were used as purely masculine names before becoming unisex. Of those that could come from a feminine base (Alex-Alexandra, Max-Maxine, Chris-Christina), all these bases are themselves derivatives of masculine names (Alexander, Christian etc..).

Now, there must be unisex names that started out as feminine and are now used for boys, however I’m having trouble locating them. I find many examples of what we now see as girl names that used to be boy names (Kelly, Meredith, Ashley, Hilary), but not so much the other way round. And since this is supposed to be more of a random thought kinda thing and not in depth research, I can’t really be bothered at the moment to investigate further. I just think it’s unfair, but given western society’s male-centric history, not unexpected.

To briefly touch on some Dutch specific things, I don’t think we really have a lot of original Dutch names that are unisex. However, a lot of traditional girl names are derivatives or diminutives of boy names. The masculine Geert gets the diminutive suffix -je and turns into the feminine name Geertje (which is then, literally, small Geert). Same goes for the masculine names Jan and Jaap, which become Jantje and Jaapje. Feminine forms can also be made by adding the suffix -a. Johan becomes Johanna, Hendrik becomes Hendrika, Jacob becomes Jacoba. There are also individual feminine names (Grietje (short form of Margaretha), Aaltje, Maria) but they are few.

I’ve also only been able to think of one traditional Dutch name that is used in a unisex way, but this is very dependent on which part of the Netherlands you’re in. I’m talking about the name Anne. This is mostly known as a girl’s name, but in specific parts of the country (Drenthe, Groningen) this was traditionally a boy’s name as well.

More modern unisex names in use over here all have a foreign origin. Names like Jamie, Sacha, Luca or Beau all come from non-Dutch roots (English, Russian, Italian, French in these cases).

So… I don’t really have a point, with all this, just something that was on my mind. As for neutral names I might want to use, at some point… For now my preference lies with Riley.

Edited to add: Here’s some links [Dutch].



Let’s Talk About…

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…gender today. And we’ll touch on sexuality too. (And I’ll follow this post with one containing the promised book update (although it might have to wait until I get home again, not sure if I have the up to date reading list with me) and a little something about the job process.)

I don’t think I have, on any of the platforms I use to communicate, actually talked about the topic. My facebook page has an infobox on it with my gender identity and sexual orientation in it, but I’ve never really talked about it (except for two of my friends). Not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just that it never seems to come up really, and it seems weird to just get up and go: “let’s talk about my gender identity today” in personal communication. If asked about either (gender and/or sexuality) I’ll gladly answer.

A quick little bit of background. I’ve always known, growing up, I was ‘different’. I barely have any memories of my elementary school periods, just flashes here and there. This, I suspect, is mostly due to suppression on account of the many medical procedures I had to undergo as a kid (what with being born with hip dysplasia). The last one of these was when I was ten. So when I say I’ve always known, I mean starting from ten, eleven on.

I was never interested in boys, or girls for that matter, and other matters dealing with the physical form. I came across something yesterday that nicely describes my general feeling growing up, and now still most of the time. It comes from a post on the genderkid blog:

I didn’t grow up with any body image problems because, for most of my teen life, I’ve done a good job of ignoring my body. Whenever I did look at myself, I didn’t see anything wrong: my body fits pretty well into society’s standards of “normal”. I just didn’t identify with what I was seeing. I avoided mirrors because I was better off thinking of myself as a floating brain.

But while I was growing up, I never questioned the basic stereotypes, took them as something that just happened: I was going to get married a husband, have a couple kids, the whole shebang. Of course, as I got older and stayed not interested, I sometimes wondered but mostly put it to being a late bloomer. I also never gave any thought to other possibilities, like that I might be a lesbian or bisexual and would end up with a woman, let alone considering that there were more ‘types’ besides men and women.

This was partly due to where I grew up: a very small, rural town where not a lot of people were different in those ways. There was, as I knew it during my teens, one lesbian couple in my town, and a transwoman a town over. I never interacted with the transwoman, I only knew about her because she was the neighbour of one of my friends. I on occasion met half of the lesbian couple but due to the age difference (she was near my mother’s age) we’d never interact on an equal enough base that I’d ask about it, and even if I had, it most likely would’ve been considered impolite.

Combined with my continued disinterest in all these matters, I never investigated my own difference. Not until I graduated high school and went on to university. There I befriended Gert. And after about a year or so, he came out to me as being gay. I was completely accepting of it from the start, I think being exposed to the couple in my hometown did really drive home the normality of being gay. We discussed it on occasion, being gay, and him being the first non-heterosexual person I was close too was the catalyst that got me thinking about myself and started me on this whole journey of self-discovery and such. Starting with my sexual orientation, but, a year or two later, also including my gender identity.

So, since sexuality came first, let’s start with it here too.

I’d already realised that I had no particular attraction to anyone. Sure, I found some people pretty or cute, but that was about it. I didn’t, and still don’t, have any desires to get physical with someone, be they male, female or something else. This confused me, what did this make me? Apparently not straight since I’d make no distinction between sexes in finding people cute or pretty. But then again apparently not a lesbian either because of previous argument. Was I then bisexual? I labelled myself as such since it seemed to fit best at that moment.

I kept wondering though, surely there must be more people feeling as I did. Or was it just a hormonal thing? In any case, life kept me occupied, school, friends, hobbies etc… and I didn’t give it all that much thought. Kinda using the bisexuality conclusion as a temporary end point. A while after, not sure how long, I was watching Discovery Channel one night and saw a re-run of an episode of Sex Sense (which in the USA was called Sex Files and which happens to be on YouTube in its entirety here) about asexuality. I’d seen the original a while before (a year or so i think?) and found many things familiar even back then but didn’t give it much more thought. This time however, the similarities with my own situation hit me squarely in the face. Next day I immediately started doing research and pretty soon I found AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network). And all the information and stories of other people I found on there made me realise that I was, in fact, asexual.

Since this post is getting way out of hand as it is already I’ll just point readers towards the AVEN site for more information about what it is and isn’t. But in short, it’s basically not having a sexual attraction towards other people. Finding this out was a bloody epiphany for me and for the next few years, whenever I went on self-discovering journeys of varying length it mostly focused on the sexuality part. It wasn’t until about a year, year-and-a-half ago that gender started coming back into the picture.

When I started to figure out that I didn’t feel I was a woman, I at first assumed that must mean I was a man. But that didn’t fit either, which confused the hell out of me; what else was there? Eventually the name, or label really, that I picked (for myself anyway, not in public) for my gender identity was gender neutral. Then the whole sexuality thing took center stage and when I came back to gender issues, in part fueled by some things one of my friends told me, I approached it the same way I had done with the sexual information seeking: I dived into Google :D.

A whole lot of research later I learned that gender was not nearly so binary, so simple, as I had always thought. I learned there’s way more options and, accompanying that, a plethora of names out there that people use to indicate they identify as something other than male or female. I figured out that I did indeed identify as neither male or female. But whether something outside of it or something in between… I didn’t know. So I kept the gender neutral as a sort of ‘posh term’ but mostly when I thought about what my gender was, it went something like neither? both? all? I’m still not exactly sure how to call it, but by now I have figured out that fluctuating seems to be most appropriate. Most of the time I have no particular gender identity and just go as a neutral. But I have periods, ranging from something as short as a few hours, up until a few days where I balance a little more towards male or female. It’s like one of those trend graphs that usually follow a straight line but sometimes have peaks below or above. Same with my gender identity. Usually it follows the straight neutral line but sometimes it peaks towards male for a bit and sometimes towards female for a bit.

It’s kinda funny, actually, (and quite stereotypical too :S) but I can often tell if I have entered a male or female period when I’m getting dressed (my brain needs a little startup time in the morning so not a lot of coherent thinking and reflection takes place then :D) since the type of clothing I pick to wear is different then. In female periods I’m more inclined to pick a skirt or otherwise more female oriented clothes (like more figure hugging stuff that shows that I do in fact have teh boobies). In male periods I tend to pick my cargo pants and hooded sweatshirts to hide my female parts. And in the neutral periods I mix and match from both sides.

I think I’m getting towards the end now, I can’t really think about anything more to add at this point. And in any case, I’ve rambled on long enough now 😀 I’ll get back to this topic in later posts, after all, I have a pretty icon for it, I might as well use it 😛

Life at the Moment

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I’m doing it again, the blog hiatus thing*. Somehow I always manage to blog for a while and then I forget it again for an extended period of time. It gets quite annoying really and it also kinda pisses me off, even though I probably have zero readers :S

*This is an import from the LiveJournal. There I had a gap between July and November.

Anyway, my life is in a bit of turmoil at this point. I no longer have a right to government study financing (you can only get that for 7 years max) so I’m kinda out of money 😀 So i’ve been looking for a job. I’ve always avoided that while I was studying, I was really enjoying my carefree student days where school was the only thing to worry about and I had loads of free time. Add to that that I never really figured out what I want anyway (leading to various studies that never really became anything :S)

I can’t avoid it any longer though and am currently in a process that looks promising enough. There’s a test coming Monday and if that goes well an interview and if that goes well I have a job at customer service for the government agency that handles unemployment benefits and find-a-job processes and such (UWV, for the dutchies). This would be a lovely opportunity as it is a definite 2-3 year job for 24-32 hours a week, leaving me plenty of time to figure out what I want and where I’m going.

As I’m going through this whole process of looking for a job, I noticed I’m suddenly making a little leap in my maturation process. Before, I was really dreading the idea of entering the working world and it was even making me feel somewhat depressed. Combined with my introvertness and less-than-stellar social skills, I started the job-hunting process purposefully sabotaging myself on occasion. Postponing responding to something “just one more day” since “it’s already 4 and they won’t read it until tomorrow anyway”.

Now, however, I find that I’m actually looking forward to getting a job and entering working life and building some structure and routine into my existence… It was quite baffling to me 😀

So we’ll see how this test thing goes, the brochure gave some examples and based on that (it is aimed at people of an educational level somewhat below mine) it shouldn’t be too difficult. And if prepare myself before hand, I can prep myself enough that the interview shouldn’t be too difficult either. So, fingers crossed X.

Oh, and btw, I have a big book update scheduled for tomorrow ’cause I’ve read a lot more since the last update posted 🙂

Thoughts. Long, rambling thoughts. Read at own risk

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When I graduated high school I promised myself I would do things differently. I’d participate more and go with more.

Backtracking for a sec, I was born with congenital hip dysplasia. If you want to know exactly what is and such, google it. In short, the (left) socket in my hip isn’t deep enough. It is in fact so shallow that the ball of the femur doesn’t stay in and slips up. There it is being held in place by a bit of bone and, for the rest, the muscles and tendons and stuff that are there. This causes a limp while walking and also hurts when I walk or stand for a long time. Picture it as a muscle ache (’cause that’s basically what it is) but then increase the pain. By how much varies with what I’ve done but roughly five fold for just pushing it and hundred fold when I’m really going way beyond what I should be doing. In the latter case, pain killer/muscle relaxant is my friend.

This has, rather obviously, influenced me growing up. As a kid I’ve undergone numerous methods of treatment trying to fix it and force the socket to deepen and the femur to stay in place. Unfortunately, this hasn’t worked. Even the five surgeries during my first ten years of life were mostly ineffective. However, during elementary school, I didn’t notice all that much how it hindered me. Field trips were usually not taxing enough to really be noticed as they took, at most, about a day. There were some small things. I remember a field trip going to a forest where we would go for a walk. I think I was in 4th grade or so. It was only 3 kilometres or so but I ended up on the teacher’s back at some point so he could carry me for the remainder of the way. And I could never participate in the yearly 4-evening walk. Kids all through the country then walk, four evenings long, either a 5 km or a 10 km route and get a little medal at the end. Even the 5 km route was too much for me. Eventually, I participated in a similar event but then it wasn’t walking 4 evenings but swimming. Just so I could also get a medal.

However, I really started noticing just how it hindered me during the introductory field trip in my first year of high school. I was just shy of twelve years old* and we were going to Schiermonnikoog, one of the small islands of the north of our coast. It was a three day trip and there would be lots of walking and lots of events. So, while all the other kids walked from the hostel to town and all that stuff, I either rode a bicycle that had been arranged or I rode in the back of the van carrying various things. Now, I’ve always been a bit of an outsider kid, but from the start, this set me apart from my classmates. And it would remain so for the rest of my high school career. Not just because of the leg, but, later, also because I wasn’t interested in what the popular kids were interested in (mostly boys, make-up, shopping, you know…) and just wasn’t the group person most of them were. But I didn’t mind that.

(*we don’t have such a thing as middle school here, high school starts at 12 and takes 4, 5 or 6 years)

I did meet the girl who would become my first friend in high school during that trip though. Eva had, and still has, weak ankles and it didn’t take long for her to sprain one so she also had to ride in the van with me. Now, 12 years later, we’re still friends. 🙂

Looking back now, this is one of those defining moments. I realised I couldn’t do a lot of things. At least,  not like other kids could. This realisation began to become a fixture and eventually caused me to miss out on things. We’re finally getting back to my original point now. I didn’t go with my class to The Hague when they had the history field trip to visit the parliament because there would be extensive walking. I didn’t go on the weekend field trip to Cologne because there would be extensive walking. And, finally, the one trip I now regret most not going on: the big trip abroad every class goes on in their penultimate year of school. My year, the choice was between Barcelona and I believe one of the big cities in Italy, Rome or Venice or something. I wanted to go, I had a hard time picking where to go but eventually I picked Italy. But then more and more info started dripping down as to what we were going to do and just how much was to be done on foot. In hindsight, arrangements could probably have been made, a bicycle, letting me take public transport instead of walking etc… But I eventually decided not to go.

When I graduated, the next year, I vowed to myself I would not let my leg stop me from doing anything anymore. A slightly unrealistic vow but adequate for the time. So I went to study Archaeology, something I really wanted but had been doubting on account of the physicality. And I went on the introductory field trip, even though it meant lots of walking. I paid for it dearly in terms of pain but I also gained, I got to know my classmates, became friends with some of them, laughed at the antics of others that were drunk and on the whole had a good time. I also went on the second field trip, a week or two later, to a dig. And that was a similar story, lots of walking, and thus pain, but again I gained. I made friends with Gert, and now, nearly seven years later, we’re still friends.
I went on digs in the summers and they all hurt like hell but I learned stuff and had fun.  And, most importantly, I went on the week long field trip to Denmark. We walked a lot, and that hurt, but we also drove a lot and I saw the awesomest things and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it for the world.

But, outside of those things, I remained the outsider kid I had been in high school. Mainly because I am an introvert. Not to be confused with being shy, although I used to be that too. Introvert means that I don’t like lots of people, being around a lot of people makes me mentally tired. I prefer to stay at home because that’s where I feel my best. When other, more extrovert, people go out, they enjoy themselves. They revel in the energy and the vibe and have fun. For me, going out is tiring, the energy and vibe of many people messes with my own and wears me out, and sometimes stresses me out. I didn’t go out when the others did, sitting in a bar drinking and shouting over music and other noise trying to have a communication is not my thing. Neither is going to a club and dancing and other such things my classmates did.

So, all things put together, I was still the outsider. And I (still) didn’t mind. I had enough things to occupy me and give me pleasure. It was in this period that I started playing NationStates. And for years it was my major online thing. Maybe if I hadn’t played NS I would’ve ended up on LJ earlier or somewhere else, I don’t know. I do know that NS was really good for me, I learned a lot. Not just about politics and government (NS is a political simulation game) but also about social interaction, life elsewhere, that all those artificial barriers society pulls up don’t really matter in the long run and a lot about myself. NS was also my support during the semester that I studied abroad and was wracked with home sickness during the first month.

… I think I’ve once again veered far from my point. Let’s see if I can get back to it and bring this ramble to a close.
“When I graduated high school I promised myself I would do things differently. I’d participate more and go with more.”

This is what I promised myself. And it started out okay, but eventually I couldn’t keep this promise. And surprisingly, it was not because of my leg, but because of my personality. And that pleases me. Because if I stay in and don’t  go with because I genuinely don’t like it, that’s okay. But not going because I’m afraid it might hurt, that’s not okay.

And I’m glad that, through typing this I made this realisation. because when I started typing, I was sure I was gonna end up with a conclusion that I failed to keep the promise and still let my leg control me. 🙂 Thinking about it now, I know that is false, I have gone and done too many things the last few years to have that be true. For example, I went to multiple weekend-long fantasy events where most we did was walk around, either watching stuff or while engaging in role play. I paid for these events with pain but I still went and still enjoyed myself. So, go me.