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Blog About Me [14/52] What If I Won The Lottery

Monday, September 30, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Oh, I would do sooooo many things. I’d mainly be sensible about it, though. Money can’t buy you happiness and such, but it damn well can make life easier.

I’d buy a house somewhere out in the countryside, all paid off and everything. A place to live, but also a place to fall back on while doing other shit. I’d either quit my job or drastically cut my hours for at least a year or so to go traveling. There are so many places I wanna see, on and off the beaten path, new and old. I want to go back to Edinburgh, for example, but I also want to visit Scandinavia, and go to the US, and visit New Zealand, and Mongolia and,  and, and…

I’d buy some other things, car, good computer/entertainment system throughout the house, many books, more geeky shit, stuff like that 😀 And I would spend it on my family and friends, help them out if they have a tight spot, stuff like that. I’d also look into good community efforts/programs around where I live to see if they need a hand, financially speaking. It’s good to give back to your community.

Then after traveling and re-settling in my shiny new house, I’d go back to school (linguistics, or maybe sociology or, or, or…) Also, work on all the various creative things that I like to do. And I’d like to open up a small shop with fantasy/scifi/geeky/and-so-on books, related merchandise, maybe some cd/dvd/games. And cupcakes. Basically a one stop shop for all your geeky needs.

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Future, Me, Thoughts

Blog About Me [13/52] My Earliest Memory

Monday, September 23, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Ehm… this is a hard one. I have very little actual memories from my childhood. I blocked a lot of stuff because of all the hospital shit that comes with having hip dysplasia and the associated surgeries. Things I do ‘remember’ I’m not sure if I’m actually remembering them, or just remember being told about them, or having seen pictures.

I remember me and my childhood friend Esther sliding down the bannister at my house. I remember us playing with My Little Ponies once at her house. I remember this because it were rare occasions, usually we just played outside and pretended to be people from books (notably Pluk van de Petteflet). I think we were about 8-10 or so?

Ooh, wait. I remember being in preschool (around 3) and this other boy in the group hit me on the head. I don’t know why, or what I did next. I just remember he hit me on the head 😀

 

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Me, Memories, Thoughts

Blog About Me [12/52] Ten Books I Love

Monday, September 16, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I have read so many books in my life, it’s hard to narrow them down to just ten that I love. In the end, the books (or series) listed here are ones that have influenced me, or those that just make me feel good, or just have this undefinable thing. Also, they’re in no particular order.

Toekomsttrilogie, Thea BeckmanThe Future Trilogy by Thea Beckman: Kinderen van Moeder Aarde, Het Helse Paradijs & Het Gulden Vlies van Thule.

I read these while in elementary school. I read a lot of more fantastic books and historical ones, so when I first picked up Kinderen van Moeder Aarde (Children of Mother Earth), it seemed like the perfect book. I had experience with Thea Beckman’s historical books which I really liked, and this had fantasy and scifi stuff in it. So I took it home from the libary, and I think I finished it in one day. I became near obsessed with it. Went back to the library at my first opportunity and got the other two parts Het Helse Paradijs (The Hellish Paradise) and Het Gulden Vlies van Thule (The Golden Fleece of Thule). I copied the map, wrote down things from the books to create a reference for myself to this world Thea had created and I spent so much time in my head creating more stories and exploring the world. I would periodically borrow them from the library again, to reread them. These books really jump started my interest in world building and cartography.

I haven’t read them in a good number of years now, not since I stopped having a library membership. Weirdly enough, I only added the books to my permanent collection about a year and a half  ago.  They’re currently on my to be (re-)read pile. I estimate I’ll get around to them sometime next year 😀

 

Discworld ShelfThe Discworld series by Terry Pratchett.

I was first introduced to the Discworld series in my first year of High School. I started out, if I remember correctly, with a Dutch translation of Witches Abroad, which I really liked. Over the next few years I read more Dutch Discworld, and even bought a few. However, it wasn’t until I’d started reading in English and picked up my first original Discworld, that I truly fell in love with the series. I started reading them all in English, including those I’d already read in Dutch. And I started collecting the books. Terry manages to do something that, I find, is a tricky thing to do. He writes “funny books” that are so multi layered with references to so many things and manages to tell very serious stories through this. His main characters are some of the best I’ve seen. And the ever evolving nature of the world of Discworld is a joy to experience.

 

Belgariad/Malloreon, David EddingsThe Belgariad/Malloreon series by David Eddings.

This series really cemented my love of more traditional fantasy. I read them in Dutch first, starting in the first year of High School, like with Discworld, including the companion novels about Belgarath and Polgara. I bought English versions of the companion novels some years ago and really enjoyed rereading them. I managed to snag a complete collection of both the Belgariad and the Malloreon in a second hand book shop a year or two ago and jumped on it right away.

Fortunately, upon rereading, I still loved them as I did before. The base story is a quintessential one in Fantasy: peasant boy finds out he is descendant from an old line of kings and needs to reclaim his heritage and defeat the big evil. The way in which it was dressed up, though, really did it for me. There’s prophecy and wizards and fascinating other party members and tertiary characters, and a cool magic system, old gods, powerful women and so on. In the second series, the Malloreon, the story repeats itself. And the books get some crap for that. Except that’s a major part of the overall theme. The base concept behind the whole series is that history basically keeps repeating itself until we can finally make the universe right again. The second series therefore has many parallels with the first, and I think that makes it a better series.

 The Giver, Lois LowryThe Giver by Lois Lowry.

Another book I first read in elementary school. My first experience with more dystopian elements and more scifi than fantasy. It made such an impression on me that I kept looking for the book for years, on and off. I remembered parts of the plot and then I’d think, “I wanna re-read it.” But I could never remember the title or the author. So it was years before I used The Google to try and find it. And then I found it, and I was ecstatic 😀

The bits I kept remembering over the years were things I wouldn’t right away associate with a children’s book, which technically it is. A very rigid control of society. Everyone does things exactly like this, and no deviations are accepted. Those that deviate, or can no longer contribute to society are killed off. Of course that is done in a perfectly sterile manner, with a ceremony and all, but the effect is the same. And I was appalled by that, and it opened for me the doors to dystopian fiction, especially featuring children or teens. That’s probably why The Hunger Games resonated with me as they did.

 

Articles of the Federation, Keith R.A. DeCandidoArticles of the Federation, by Keith R.A. DeCandido.

I read a lot of tie in fiction, books written about, and taking place in, universes from other properties. Mainly movies and TV shows. One of the bigger properties I read in, is Star Trek. The expanded universe of Star Trek spans so much space and time, and goes so much deeper than can be shown in just the shows and movies. Articles of the Federation is on my most loved Star Trek books because it tells the story of background characters, the ordinary people of the Federation. It details a year in the office of Federation president Baco and how she deals with all the crap going on. Diplomatic ouvertures, threats of war, the press, all in a context of the Star Trek future. I’ve heard it described as a cross between the West Wing and Star Trek.

 

Little Women, Lousia May AlcottLittle Women by Louisa May Alcott

I’ve read this book so many times. I always wanted to be Jo, when I was a kid, because she was tough, and a writer and got to do her own thing in a time where that wasn’t generally allowed. I also watched the various movies repeatedly, and the cartoon series that was made of it and this all became this awesome amalgamation in my head. Historical time period, costumes, and awesome actors/cartoons to represent the characters.

 

 

Dinotopia, James GurneyDinotopia by James Gurney

Oh! The illustrations! I looooove worldbuilding so very much, and the illustrations bring alive the world of Dinotopia so much. It’s a historical fantasy thing, where people in the past get stranded on this deserted island. Only it’s not so deserted as first thought. There live people there, in harmony with intelligent dinosaurs. And they have this whole pretty advanced society with even a dinosaur assisted military of sorts. I still have to get my hands on some of the additional books, and a proper copy of this in English.

 

Rowan, Henk KroesveldRowan, een verhaal uit de middeleeuwen, by Henk Kroesveld

One of the better historical youth books I’ve read. It tells the story of thirteen year old Rowan who needs to leave his home town for a while after an altercation with the bailiff. When he comes back again, he finds his home locked up, the plague is active in his town. He has to leave again, and find his own way in the world and he does this, among other things, by becoming a healer and learning about herbs and such.

 

Tigana, Guy Gavriel KayTigana by Guy Gavriel Kay

A glorious fantasy novel about memory, and music and how history is written by the victors. After a devastating war, the losing side gets erased from the history books. The magic-wielding tyrant makes it impossible for the name of the losing province to ever be said, and even remembering it. In this way, the people slowly forget their own history. Only a small group of rebels manages to precariously hold on to their past and sets out to reverse the spell.

 

Vrijheid als Prijs, Catherine ChristianVrijheid als prijs by Catherine Christian

Another historical novel. The first I read about Roman times. It tells the story of rich young lady Clyta, her sort of foster brother Flavius and the slave they get for their combined 10th and 12th birthday, Hillarion. It chronicles the lives of these three as Clyta and Flavius get married and Flavius goes into the military. It’s been a while since I read it, so I’m not sure anymore how, but Flavius dies, and Hillarion ends up being sold, and Clyta falls onto poor time. Hillarion eventually becomes a gladiator, also gets married, and finally manages to buy his freedom and settles on a small farm. In the mean time Clyta has gotten herself sold into slavery causing Hillarion to work and buy her free as well. Late in life, finally, he and Clyta reunite and life out their lives on his small farm.

 

Posted in: Blog About Me, General, Photos Tagged: Blog Prompts, Books, Dystopia, Fantasy, History, List, Literature, Me, Scifi, Star Trek

Tessa [20/3/1999 – 28/8/2013]

Thursday, September 5, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I’d been harassing my parents for years to get a dog. And then Dad had his aorta surgery and he needed to walk more on orders from the doctor. So I saw my chance and renewed my pleas. And this time around, Mom and Dad seemed to be coming around.

I remember Dad at some point sitting on the sofa with the book of dog breeds and asking me what I thought of “one of these”. One of these, was a Stabyhoun. I read the blurb that came with it, and I liked it. Turns out that there was a Stabyhoun in the shelter that they were interested. Unfortunately for us (fortunately for the dog), his owner showed up to take the runaway home. But that was the moment it had been decided. It was going to be a Stabyhoun.

I think they found Tessa through an ad in the newspaper. A breeder in the next province over had Stabyhoun puppies. So one afternoon we drove there. I don’t remember a lot of that, except that they had this outbuilding back in the yard where they kept the puppies. I don’t know if they were always there, or just when people came. I do remember that I found it awfully dark to house puppies in.

We knew we wanted a female dog, so the breeder lifted the females from the pen and out into the main area of the outbuilding. I think there were three of them, maybe four? The breeder left us to make a choice, Mom and Dad were in the door opening. I kneeled on the floor in the middle.

All the girls immediately started sniffing all around and checking out the place. All, except one. This floppy little puppy happily came over and stood up against my legs. Right then and there I knew. This was her.

Born March 20, we could take her home right away, she was already 8 weeks old. So on May 22, 1999 we brought her home. We didn’t think of a name for her until we were home. But then, Tessa was chosen real quick.

1999 Tessa vloer  1999-09 Tessa & Knuffelbeest

She was a very  happy puppy, always up for playing and cuddles and what not. She loved being outside, right from the start. But could also sleep so deep, stretched out on the floor. She would often dream and bark or squeak while doing so. And she was always a bit clumsy 🙂

1999 Tessa bank 1999 Tessa & Rianne

She loved us, her people, and always wanted to be near us. Preferably on beds and sofas next to us.

2000-04-19 Mama jarig

 

2002

Outside in the summer. With me and Ingrid. During my high school graduation party. Along on a trip to visit Uncle Tammo and Aunt Harma on holidays. Cuddling and sleeping with Dad.  Very curious as to what kind of St. Nicholas presents we have.

2002-zomer Tessa 2002-zomer Ingrid & Rianne Eindexamenfeestje 160602-19 2002-07-17 Tessa 2002-2e helft Tessa & Papa 2002-2e helft Slapen  Tessa nieuwsgierig -- 5-12-02

 

2003

Tessa liked people, she was generally up for meeting and interacting with others. Some she loved, some spooked her at first. Ingrid and Tessa became friends fast. Eva scared her a little bit the first time around, so she took a little time to warm up to her after that 🙂

2003-12-14 Tessa & Ingrid 2003-12-27 Eva & Tessa

 

She would spend a lot of time with me in my room. Beside my chair when I’d sit at my desk, or on my legs while on the bed.

2003-12-14 Tessa & Rianne 2003-12-13 Bed

 

From the rest of the family, she loved Uncle Tammo best. He knows the way to dog hearts goes through their stomach 😀

2003-12-24 Tessa & Mama    2003-12-22 Kop 2003-11-30 Tessa & Tammo

2004

2004-02-14 Buiten 2004-03-26 Kijken

2004-03-29 Rennen 2004-03-15 Bed 1

2004-03-19 Mam & Tessa 2004-04-02 Terras 1

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2005

I had to miss Tessa for a couple months this year while I lived in Leicester. It always made me feel better whenever I called home, Mom would put the phone near Tessa’s ear. I’d talk to her a bit, and she’d go around the room looking for me 🙂

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This was also the year I first shot a family portrait. And no family portrait would be complete without Tessa in it.

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2006

After returning from Leicester the year before, I had registered with the housing cooperation to get a place of my own. In February 2006, I moved out. Of course, I still came home to the Parents regularly, and Tessa came to see me, too. We would take trips into the Eenrummer Woods 🙂

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2007

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2008

In the first picture, Tessa’s eating cauliflower. She was always a weird dog with eating. Didn’t matter what you had, she would like to try it, please. And nine out of ten times, she loved it. Not just expected things like cheese and meat, but lots of vegetables (cauliflower, tomatoes), fruit (apple) and even the occasional dropped breath mints…

I also shot a second family portrait this year, and this one, of course, also featured Tessa.

MEDION DIGITAL CAMERA 06 Tessa

08 Tessa 2008-06-02 Tessa 1

2008-08-01 Familie Foto 1 01 Rol

03 Watisser 2008-06-02 Tessa 1

2009

2009-01-01 Pa & Tessa 3 2009-06-10 Tessa 2

2009-04-19 Tessa 2009-06-01 Rianne & Tessa

2009-06-01 Tessa 2 02 Nienke & Tessa

11 Tessa

2010

Tessa’s always had a tendency to chase after cats. As a result, whenever she was at my house, my cat (and later cats) wouldn’t really feel comfortable around her. They usually hid, or I let them outside. This year marked the first time that Monkey and Tessa spent time in the same room, near each other. Tessa just completely ignored the scratching post with cat. And the cat was actually somewhat relaxed!

2010-01-01 Tessa 4 05 Woef

2010-03-27 Tessa 1 07 Tessa

Image029 01 Tessa

07 Tessa 25 Tessa

22 Tessa 05 Tessa

11 Tessa 21 Tessa

2010-09-15 Monkey & Tessa in dezelfde ruimte

2011

This year had a very good summer, we went to Lauwersoog multiple times. Tessa loved it 🙂

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2012

During this year, Tessa got Addison’s and we could really start to see her getting old. Her mind was still good and she was as happy as ever, just old. Everything slows down some. We stopped bringing her to my place, because her walking became trickier, and I have slippery floors.

IMG_7134 IMG_7558 IMG_7559

SN851128 SN851142

 

2013

As time went on, her walking got worse, and we started slowly thinking about the inevitable. At first, we didn’t think she’d make it to the move. But she did, and she felt right at home at the new place.  I shot another family portrait, specifically so we would have another one that still had Tessa in it.

She made it months, but the last few weeks, she fell more often, and had more and more trouble keeping her legs going the way they’re supposed to. She was still eating just fine, and being happy and cheerful, but it could not go on anymore.

DSC_0239 DSC_0456 - Copy

 

So Wednesday afternoon, on August 28th, I took some last photos, and then we took her to the vet.

The vet took one look at her and concurred with us that it was time. I lifted her on the table and held her. She was never a fan of the table. She didn’t mind going to the clinic and into the chamber, but once on the table she would always lean into me and after a while try to scramble off the table. I always needed to hold her. This time was no different.

The intern shaved her front leg, and the vet injected her and within seconds she started slipping away. And so her life came full circle. Starting with us by basically jumping in my arms, and leaving us in my arms.

esfdfds fdsfgsdgd

I will never forget you. RIP my love.

 

Posted in: General, Photos Tagged: Animals, Dogs, Family, Feels, Love, Me, RIP, Sadness, Tessa

Blog About Me [11/52] Some of My Favourite Things

Monday, September 2, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I love many things. And my favourite things change often. However, have here a few of my enduring favourite things, and a few current favourite things (that might end up being enduring favourites 😀 )

Books

There is nothing material that I love more than books. Books are my friends, my escape, my dreams, my refuge, my calm in the storm and my storm in the calm. Without books, I cannot be.

Words

Not actually material, but words are what shapes my world. I love many other forms of expression, colours, music, but words are my preferred form and through them, I am.

Texture

I’m a very tactile person. I always have this need to touch things, to experience them, and in that, few things delight me more than all the different textures of the world. I marvel how two things that are basically the same, can feel so different. How my one cat has a more coarse feeling fur and the other feels silky smooth. How minor things can completely change how something feels. One stroke of paint on a canvas can feel completely different, even though made with the same brush and the same paint. But the paint may be slightly thicker, or it might be in a slightly different direction.

Postcards

On to slightly more mundane things. I love postcards. Both to keep and look at, or frame and hang, and to send to people. They’re the perfect size to let someone know you’re thinking of them, and in choosing which card to send, you give thought to the person and who they are. I always try my best to find cards that really fit a person. I have a small pile of cards that I particularly love. Once moved, I will be able to hang these so I can look at them more

Hoodies

I love to take my bigger hoodie and put it on, especially when it’s slightly colder, and to just let myself disappear in it. Hoodies are warm, and comfortable and protective. They’re the embodiment of hugs.

Cheesecake

This is the pinnacle of deliciousness 🙂

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Books, Comfort, Communication, Food, Good Things, List, Me, Thoughts, Words, Writing

Repetition is the Mother of Knowledge?

Monday, August 26, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Went to see the gender psychiatrist again last Tuesday for my second of the three required meetings. This time around we only spoke for little over half an hour (as opposed to the hour or so from last time). It was kinda obvious that he didn’t really have anything pressing to talk about so he mostly repeated questions from last time.  When did I first start to feel gender dysphoria, how did that show, how long has it been since I got into the process, have I had doubts since then and so on. I get that he needs to ask the control questions and be sure and such, but it does kinda feel like a waste, especially since I do have to pay part of these appointments myself.

He did bring up the new topic of children, whether or not I want them, and if I planned on saving some eggs. I told him that I wouldn’t mind having kids at some point (not now, though) but that I’ve known since I was a teenager that I never, ever want to be pregnant and that I really don’t care very  much if any children I have are biologically mine or not. I therefore have no plans right now to store eggs. He dutifully wrote it down and impressed upon me the need to think about this. I promised him I would.

For a multidisciplinary team, I find they don’t really have that much of a grasp of the process beyond their own little bit. I asked him when in the physical process, the possibility of egg retrieval would be pertinent and he started repeating the canned explanation on how the transition process goes (talks, referral, hormones, surgery). After I stopped him and made clear that wasn’t what I meant. He said it is done generally before starting hormones, although it might also be possible later on, but before surgery.

So I made a mental note to discuss this with the gynecologist after he green lights me. I really don’t have any plans to store eggs right now, but I’m assuming they can give me some practical info, which might change my mind. I doubt it though.

Anyway. The third, and most likely final, appointment isn’t until October. This means that I probably won’t be getting any hormones until next year, since the psychiatrist needs to meet with the gender team as a whole to green light me. And then they refer me to the gynecologist which has a one/two month waiting list. And the first appointment there is only testing anyway. So I’ll have to wait some more 🙁

Posted in: General Tagged: Gender, Me, Medical, Transgender, Transitioning

Blog About Me [10/52] My Best Physical Features

Monday, August 26, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with my physical body, mostly caused by the gender dysphoria. Treatment and the surgeries that will follow should fix that. In the mean time, there are some things about my body that I do like 🙂

I really like my hands. I don’t quite know why, but I like their shape, their size, the way the veins and tendons can be seen when I stretch or flex my hand. Even the always-bitten nails don’t detract from that.

I also like my eyebrows and the way they frame my eyes.

I love that despite being overweight and having a more broad/bulky body type, I have a very flexible body.

I’m also quite fond of my internal workings. It has its quirks, but on the whole it’s like my insides are made of reinforced steel and concrete. I hardly ever get sick, no real troublesome allergies (even my hay fever is usually mild), and it generally just behaves really well.

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Appearance, Blog Prompts, Me, Self-Image, Transgender, Transitioning

Blog About Me [9/52] My Worst Habits

Monday, August 12, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Short and sweet because I’m late, and lazy 😀

I bite my fingernails.

I am a big procrastinator in things that I do not find interesting or stimulating in some way.

I really hate making phone calls for myself, so I always try to get out of it.

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Me

Blog About Me [8/52] What’s Always In My Pocket/Bag

Monday, August 5, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

On workdays, I carry a messenger bag. The zippered pockets outside are generally empty. Only the pocket on the flap holds a copy of my bus and train departure schedules both ways, just in case I need to look it up. Inside, the bag is divided in two. The back part holds my daily agenda/planner wherein I have my work schedule and other appointments, and whatever book is currently my train-book. Generally this is a thinner, easier read as I only get to read it for 15 to 20 minutes at a time so I need to be able to get in and out of it quickly. The front part holds my water bottle, my wallet, deodorant, and a little zippered bag/box thing that holds my earphones, thumb drive, locker key, a few pens, occasionally a couple tea bags and aspirin.

I also always carry my phone and keys to my house when I’m out and about. They tend to switch between being in my pockets or in my bag.

On free days, when I go places, I tend to just bring my work bag, but then without the planner, book and bag/box. And when I go light, all I bring is phone and keys with my debit card (and when necessary public transport card) in a pocket.

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Me, Tech, Work

Blog About Me [7/52] Some Things That Annoy Me

Monday, July 29, 2013 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Hard to choose. I am fairly quick to get annoyances, but I also loose them really fast. So most of those things aren’t really worth my effort and attention.

Some bigger annoyances for me are…

…improper use of language, grammatically speaking, both in writing as well as spoken.  In English these are more often than not written things like typing there when you mean their or they’re and your when it should be you’re. And! Of when it should be have or ‘ve (should of, would of and so on). Obviously in this case, dyslexics are forgiven, but the general population that has had at least some schooling should just know this.

In Dutch these are generally spoken things. Something I hear a lot lately is the mangling of irriteren en ergeren. Many people say irriteren aan. It’s not possible to irriteer aan. Ik erger mij aan dergelijke mensen. Deze wijze van taalverprutsing irriteert mij. Ik irriteer mij daar niet aan, want dat kan niet.

 

…people talking “small talk” to kids. Turning every other word into a diminutive as if they otherwise can’t understand you. Kids understand way more than they’re given credit for and deserve to have their voices be heard.

 

…people that take their first impression of something and use that to form an opinion and a judgement. Without looking beyond the initial image, without doing some research, without thinking things through. Everything has multiple sides to the story, and nothing is ever as black and white as it seems. So do your research before you spout opinions and don’t be afraid to admit it if you haven’t. There are many things I don’t have a real opinion about (beyond first impressions) because I haven’t looked into it.

Posted in: Blog About Me, General Tagged: Blog Prompts, Me, Rant
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