Transitioning

Of Sound Mind

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May 18 I had my follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist to complete my gender intake (see also previous post). The Head-Shrink asked some additional questions for about half an hour. Then she informed me that I appeared to be of sound mental health (no other mental things that need addressing/treatment first like, for example, depression or such things) and that she would recommend me to the gender team!

*happydance*

Now all I can do is wait for the appointment there. The Head-Shrink said it might take a while, but the wait list here is lesser than in Amsterdam, so I have good hopes.

*waits*

Shrinkage, or, My Family is Awesome

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I saw the psychiatrist today for my gender intake. I was a little bit disappointed, I was (calling all stereotypes) expecting a couch or at least a comfy chair to be present but no such luck. Ms. Doctor and I sat at a regular table with regular chairs and talked for about an hour and a half.

Obviously it covered the gender feelings and when it started and how it manifests and stuff like that, but also more generalised questions about feelings and behaviour, mental health family history, current and past life circumstances etc… All this so they can determine not only if the gender dysphoria is severe enough to warrant transitioning, but also to check if there might be other mental issues that might need attention first, and to see if I have realistic expectations of this whole process and if I can handle it and have a support system and such.

Ms. Doctor is going to discuss this with the Head-Shrink and then I get to come back for another appointment with both Ms. Doctor and the Head-Shrink. I’m very curious about it, the first appointment turned out to be a reasonably pleasant experience.

 

Going back in time a little, last Saturday I (or rather, we) told (a large part of) my extended family about my being transgender. My Mom had already told a few aunts/uncles but we decided that Mom’s birthday party on Saturday would be an excellent opportunity to tell the others. So, during the day we told the family from Dad’s side, and in the evening Mom’s side of the family all showed up so we told them.

It was a really positive experience. I was pretty nervous beforehand (and I imagine Mom, too), but all reactions we’re positive and basically boiled down to “if this is how you feel, and you’re serious about it, then we support you”. I really could not have asked for a better reception. I expect that from here it will trickle down to various cousins (in so far they don’t see one of these posts via Facebook or Twitter).

The Week(s) in Review: 2012-12 & 2012-13

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I’m grateful for quiet times at work that allow me to take some extra days off here and there. Not just because yay-freedom, but also because I have a lot of in-my-head things going, what with the genderprocess and all. Some extra days to deal with stuff are nice.

I’m happy because I finally have a new appointment date for my genderteam intake. It will take place April 23rd. This time they actually managed to refer me to the shrink so this really is it: the start of my road to fully being who I am. It’s going to be a long journey, and it’s not going to be easy, but I’m more than ready to finally get this show on the road.

I’m also happy because the Postcrossing is taking off quite nicely. All but one of my cards have been received. The only one still in transit is one to a school class in the USA. I got my first five cards, they came from the USA, Canada, Germany, Austria and Poland. The cards can be seen on my Postcrossing profile. I requested new addresses yesterday, which I will pick (and write) cards for tomorrow.

Last Friday we went out with (almost) the whole e-mail squad from work. Nico and I put the thing together, and since it was meant as a getting to know each other better thing after the team expansion from early this year, we settled on bowling and food. The evening was a grand success, a lot of fun was had.

I learned I need a lot of warm up time before I throw proper balls, and that if I want to throw a strike, I first need to drop the ball behind me so it rolls back to the people on my team.

I discovered that it is actually possible for naturally (somewhat) touchy people to be like this in a fun, non-obnoxious, non-threatening way. Normally when people, for example, hang over my shoulder to ask me something, or randomly grab my arms, I have this knee-jerk reaction to pull back and get this ‘get the fuck away from me’ vibe. I’m glad to say I did not have this then. Yay, progress!

Of Baby Steps and Giant Leaps — The Gender Edition

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After being quiet about the subject for quite a while I feel it’s time to start talking about gender again. And specifically mine. At first I wasn’t going to, at least not yet, but if I want this blog to be a real representation of my life, I need to incorporate this. And I find writing shit down (in addition to vocalizing to myself) helps me process things. Secondary to that, I hope this will make it easier on my friends, family and wider social circle (in a probably mostly vain hope that more than five people read this).

So, last time I spoke about my gender identity, which was March 2011, and before that (with more detail) December 2010, I mentioned how I was growing away from identifying as genderqueer (being beyond and both man and woman) to a more masculine identity. This process has continued, and not too long after the March post I realized the genderqueer moniker no longer fit at all. Woman was not a part of my gender identity. The older I get, and the more I let myself be the man I am in thought, and appearance, the more I realized I could no longer live in this body. At that point I started to seriously think about transitioning, and doing my research. Because, even with a real life example in my friend circle, everyone’s experience is different and my process will be different than his.

So, at that point I came out to myself as a transgender man.

I allowed myself to live with that (silent) label and to experience the feeling and as time went on, I felt so much more at peace on such a deep level. Even though I could (and can) still not look at myself, unclothed, either directly or in a mirror and am in denial of my body whenever I am not binding, I felt myself moving forward.

When the new year came around, I adopted my motto for this year  ‘Just Do It‘  and decided now was the time to start taking practical steps. After all, the process of transitioning can take two, three years easily and I kinda want to be whole by the time I turn 30.

So, early January I went to my doctor and asked for a referral to the Gender Team at the UMCG. She was supportive and seemed to understand at least a little, and she went to make it happen. I would get a letter with my appointment date.

Later that week or early next I don’t quite remember, I received that letter. The appointment for intake was for February 24th, at 13:45. This also meant it was time to tell The Parents. While this was a very butterfly-stomach moment, it went well. They took it better than expected (granted, they were aware of the binder and some related shit so it couldn’t really have been a total surprise). Mom understands the whole thing a bit better than Dad does, but it will come.

I told Nienke the day I’d gone to my doctor for the referral. I told Eva and Ingrid during a game night at Eva’s place along with Jarig who was obviously also there, and Anneke and Julius who dropped by to dress up Ingrid 😀 I told Gert about a week and a half or so before the appointment. I wasn’t sure yet when and how to tell others, so I decided to keep it quiet for now.

I spent the month and a half I had to wait for the appointment being ecstatic and nerve-wracked (in a good way) at the same time. Finally the day came. I’d taken the day off work, and Mom offered to drive me. I really appreciated this, not just in the ‘thanks for the ride’ way, but also on a deeper level as a show of support and love. We got to the hospital plenty on time. After I registered at the front desk, we made our way to the relevant clinic where we sat and waited for twenty minutes or so.

Then the doctor showed up and I went with him. And then it turned out the referral hadn’t quite been processed right…

Yes, the doctor was part of the Gender Team, but he was the plastic surgeon… Not quite the one you need for the intake. So we did a quick history with a basic ‘this is how I feel‘ thing and some medical history and he then wrote a consult for his Gender Team colleague. So this means I will be getting a new letter, with a new appointment some time this week (I hope) and I get to do the giddy nervousness again. Especially since there’s no telling how soon the psych guy can fit me in. I hope it’s soon.

This ending is a bit abrupt, but I’ve been going on long enough now, and I don’t quite know how to knit a proper ending here. Plus I’ve been hovering over the publish button for the last five minutes deciding if I’m ready to put this out there. I hope this will lead to a more gradual coming out, versus having to suddenly go ‘hey everybody, listen up!’