Tse Moana

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Walls

Monday, October 8, 2012 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I’ve been getting more and more restless in my house this year. I desperately want (and need) some more space, and I also really would like a place truly of myself. Or, in other words, I want to buy a house, not rent. Up until this year, I thought that would be just a dream for a couple more years, but early this year I came across a house that I really like. And it’s pretty cheap for a house, too.

So with that in mind I started doing some research, and after visiting with a mortgage person I learned that, with my income, I could actually get a pretty decent mortgage. However, that would require having a indefinite contract at work, and not a definite one. And, how convenient, I’m up for contract renewal coming January which will be either an indefinite contract, or out of a job since I’ve been working there for three years on temp contracts then. Taking into account my performance over the years, I’m generally optimistic about it, but you just never know. So I’m trying my hardest not to get over excited and wait for certainty (should be around November/December).

Luckily, as far as the house itself is considered, it’s still on the market and based on how long it’s been, it should still be there in January. So, with some luck, I really, really hope to be able to buy a house next year.
(It better work out, I’ve already spent enough time fruitlessly trying to get my brain to *not* think about the house and how I would do this, and where that could go, and how this would be perfect to do there and so on… I suck… )

Posted in: General Tagged: Home, Me, Work

Elections

Friday, September 14, 2012 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

We had elections on the twelfth. It was the first time I didn’t vote for the GreenLeft party. I’ve always, ever since I was first able to vote, been a GL voter. I am, in fact, an actual member of the party, even now (note to self: call to cancel that). However, with the mess that we’re in I took an extra hard look at the various standpoints and also took strategy into account. And with that, this time I ended up with the Labour Party (which is usually my second choice).

I’m extraordinarily pleased that they got the amount of votes that they did. I would have preferred it were switched with the Party for Freedom and Democracy’s votes (41 vs. 38), but in the grand scheme of things, it could be much worse.
Now all I’m hoping for is that they both realise that the people have made a clear choice, and they really don’t have another option but to form a coalition together. So by the almighty Gods I pray they learn the meaning of the word compromise and don’t still fuck everything up.

Posted in: General Tagged: Me, Politics

Meh

Thursday, July 5, 2012 by Tse Moana 1 Comment

I have a sick.

Must’ve caught a random wandering virus somewhere as I am now dizzy, nauseous, feverish, have a head ache, protesting muscles and am squarely out of energy. I assume this will all pass in a few days, so in the mean time, I read and browse the internet. And I will probably blog, since my backlog of links and things I want to post has built up. And it’s been a while since I posted anything proper about myself and my life anyway.

So there, expect bloggage over the next few days.

Posted in: General Tagged: Health, Me, Site

Of Baby Steps and Giant Leaps — The Gender Edition

Monday, February 27, 2012 by Tse Moana 2 Comments

After being quiet about the subject for quite a while I feel it’s time to start talking about gender again. And specifically mine. At first I wasn’t going to, at least not yet, but if I want this blog to be a real representation of my life, I need to incorporate this. And I find writing shit down (in addition to vocalizing to myself) helps me process things. Secondary to that, I hope this will make it easier on my friends, family and wider social circle (in a probably mostly vain hope that more than five people read this).

So, last time I spoke about my gender identity, which was March 2011, and before that (with more detail) December 2010, I mentioned how I was growing away from identifying as genderqueer (being beyond and both man and woman) to a more masculine identity. This process has continued, and not too long after the March post I realized the genderqueer moniker no longer fit at all. Woman was not a part of my gender identity. The older I get, and the more I let myself be the man I am in thought, and appearance, the more I realized I could no longer live in this body. At that point I started to seriously think about transitioning, and doing my research. Because, even with a real life example in my friend circle, everyone’s experience is different and my process will be different than his.

So, at that point I came out to myself as a transgender man.

I allowed myself to live with that (silent) label and to experience the feeling and as time went on, I felt so much more at peace on such a deep level. Even though I could (and can) still not look at myself, unclothed, either directly or in a mirror and am in denial of my body whenever I am not binding, I felt myself moving forward.

When the new year came around, I adopted my motto for this year  ‘Just Do It‘  and decided now was the time to start taking practical steps. After all, the process of transitioning can take two, three years easily and I kinda want to be whole by the time I turn 30.

So, early January I went to my doctor and asked for a referral to the Gender Team at the UMCG. She was supportive and seemed to understand at least a little, and she went to make it happen. I would get a letter with my appointment date.

Later that week or early next I don’t quite remember, I received that letter. The appointment for intake was for February 24th, at 13:45. This also meant it was time to tell The Parents. While this was a very butterfly-stomach moment, it went well. They took it better than expected (granted, they were aware of the binder and some related shit so it couldn’t really have been a total surprise). Mom understands the whole thing a bit better than Dad does, but it will come.

I told Nienke the day I’d gone to my doctor for the referral. I told Eva and Ingrid during a game night at Eva’s place along with Jarig who was obviously also there, and Anneke and Julius who dropped by to dress up Ingrid 😀 I told Gert about a week and a half or so before the appointment. I wasn’t sure yet when and how to tell others, so I decided to keep it quiet for now.

I spent the month and a half I had to wait for the appointment being ecstatic and nerve-wracked (in a good way) at the same time. Finally the day came. I’d taken the day off work, and Mom offered to drive me. I really appreciated this, not just in the ‘thanks for the ride’ way, but also on a deeper level as a show of support and love. We got to the hospital plenty on time. After I registered at the front desk, we made our way to the relevant clinic where we sat and waited for twenty minutes or so.

Then the doctor showed up and I went with him. And then it turned out the referral hadn’t quite been processed right…

Yes, the doctor was part of the Gender Team, but he was the plastic surgeon… Not quite the one you need for the intake. So we did a quick history with a basic ‘this is how I feel‘ thing and some medical history and he then wrote a consult for his Gender Team colleague. So this means I will be getting a new letter, with a new appointment some time this week (I hope) and I get to do the giddy nervousness again. Especially since there’s no telling how soon the psych guy can fit me in. I hope it’s soon.

This ending is a bit abrupt, but I’ve been going on long enough now, and I don’t quite know how to knit a proper ending here. Plus I’ve been hovering over the publish button for the last five minutes deciding if I’m ready to put this out there. I hope this will lead to a more gradual coming out, versus having to suddenly go ‘hey everybody, listen up!’

Posted in: General Tagged: Dad, Eva & Jarig, Family, Friends, Gender, Gert, Ingrid, Me, Mom, Nienke, Parents, Transgender, Transitioning

The Week in Review: 2012-06

Monday, February 13, 2012 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

I’m grateful for singing. Singing always makes me feel good (or better when I’m down). I might not be very good at it, but I enjoy it so I don’t care what anyone else thinks 🙂

I’m happy… well, see above 😀

Being patient is hard sometimes, that can make me feel frustrated.

I learned I really like making work instructions and messing about with excel files 😀

 

Posted in: General, The Week in Review Tagged: Me, Music, Work

Another Beginning

Sunday, January 8, 2012 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

So, here we are, a week into the new year. I don’t do resolutions, I know myself well enough to know that’s pointless. I have, however, decided to pick a theme. Basically an idea, or motivator of sorts, to keep in mind and use to guide my decisions this year. Theme for this year is Just Do It (to steal from Nike). This year the idea is to be more active in my pursuits, to take action to get where I want to be.

In that light, I’ve made some related decisions in what I want to do this year, both long term things that I want to start this year, as well as things I want to accomplish. Most of the stuff I can’t, or rather won’t, talk about just yet. But I hope to provide further updates soon.

I also have some stuff that I will talk about. First of that being this blog. It took way longer than expected to fix the image issue I was having. This was mostly my own problem because I let it lie for too long while it, in the end, turned out to be a relatively simple fix. After it got fixed I did one of the photo posts I said I would and then left it again. Putting pics together for the August photo post was annoying the crap out of me, so I just sorta stopped.

To prevent shit like that from making me stop blogging again, I’m not scheduling anything anymore. No more ‘I’m going to do this on a weekly basis’ or ‘every month I’m gonna…’ or even non-committal shit like ‘I plan to regularly…’ I’m not planning anything any more in regards to the blog. I still have a lot of things in my head that I wanna post, but I’m just gonna do whatever comes up, whenever I want to. There’s already enough shit in life that you have to do, I don’t want this blog to be one of those things. After all, I have this website to have fun with and to make a record of who I am and what I like. If it becomes a chore, it’ll loose all life it has.

 

Something else I think I haven’t mentioned here yet is Milo. Milo is my new cat, whom I got from the shelter on October 22. He’s a young boy of almost two (in March) and he’s almost the complete opposite of Monkey. He’s playful, and active and a bit of a talker. Monkey only makes a noise when he really wants to go outside and I don’t respond fast enough. Milo opens his mouth a lot more, and when he does the most adorable little shriek comes out. It’s almost like a friggin’ baby bird going meeeeep! The shelter named him Bo, which is stupid, so I renamed him. But, in keeping with tradition I kept (most of) his shelter name as part of his name.

So, without further ado, meet Milo Beauregard Gibbs:

My cat

Monkey and Milo are getting along pretty well. Milo wants to play with Monk but he’s not really into that. They do chase each other around (in mostly good fun), though. This usually starts with Milo approaching Monkey to sniff at him or invite him to play and then Monkey does this hissy fit kinda thing where he yowls a bit and waves his paw around. Milo the backs off a bit and seconds later they’ll be chasing each other around the house.

He also loves feather teasers, so much so, even, that the one I had is almost dead already. So I bought three new ones right away to get a bit of a supply. And today the laser pointer I ordered came in. Tried it on him, he went insane for it 😀

In comparison, Monkey ignored it and pointedly reminded me that he knows I’m the one controlling the toys so he’s not gonna waste his energy on that, thank you very much. (related sidenote: Monkey has very expressive eyes).

Tomorrow Milo gets to go outside for the first time since I got him. I kept him inside a little longer than I normally would because of New Year’s and the fireworks and such. I hope he likes it, he tends to still be a little skittish with loud noises or big/tall objects/people although he’s progressed heaps in that since he came. The first week he would hide under the bed every time I walked through the house. He still runs when he gets spooked, but now he almost right away comes back out from wherever he runs to, to check out what happened.

In short, he’s a cool cat 😀

 

Other stuff… eh… Work is going well I guess. I applied for a trainer/coach position within my department, got through the initial interview with flying colors and got to do an assessment. I felt pretty good about that, the tests were easy and the talk with the counselor about work and ambitions and what type of person I was went well too, at least I thought so. The role play situation went less well. Both because I hate role play situations, and because I found the set-up they had for it not relevant to what actually goes on at my job. All in all, I had a good feeling about it.

The result came in a week later, and I got a negative result. They thought I would not be suitable for the position because, in a nut shell, I ‘m not social enough, and that’s not fixable… Right. I was fuming for two days. There’s a core of truth in the report. Yes, I am an introvert, I told him so, but that does not mean I’m antisocial, it just means that interaction with people costs energy (versus giving me energy). I know this of myself so I take precautions. This is the reason I don’t work on Wednesdays so I have a day in the middle to recharge. Also, social interaction has been difficult for me in the past. I used to be more shy but this is something I’ve learned to overcome for a large part. Especially since I started working at my current job I’ve learned so much about interacting with people and have grown so much in that regard.

So, back to the report, I felt as if it were a snap shop of me three years ago, give or take. I discussed it with my supervisor and some other people later on, and they all were surprised by it. They saw the core of truth that was in there, but the extent of it…

Regardless of that, though, the assessment is final so it meant I was out of the application procedure. So I’m still doing what I did before, and that’s not a bad thing either. I love writing so the e-mail and letter thing is a good job for me to have. I’m doing a lot of letters these days, more so than e-mail, and I’m really enjoying that. However, I will be looking for opportunities to move forward or at least expand my skill set. For the moment still preferably within the same company.

 

I think this is more than long enough for a first blog of 2012. I hope to do a post to catch up on my booklist and 101 list. Booklist definitely because I failed my target so very much I think it might be the lowest in years. The 101 list… Meh, I think it needs revising first. I’m having second thoughts on a lot of the goals and I think the sheer amount of them, even keeping in mind the long time one has for it (1001 days) it might be too many things for a person with an attention span like mine.

Posted in: General Tagged: 101 in 1001, Animals, Books, Cats, Holidays, Introvert, Me, Milo, Monkey, New Year's, Random, Reflection, Site, Work

Ribs

Saturday, August 13, 2011 by Tse Moana 3 Comments

So… I fell down the stairs at the train station last Monday. I was on my way home after work and had to make the transfer from the train to the bus. To do that, one has to go down some stairs, walk a few yards and then go up some stairs again. It was raining pretty hard so I ran down the stairs, as I usually do.

At the bottom of the stairs the ground is a bit uneven, and with rain it forms a big puddle. To keep from getting wet feet, I usually jump from the last tread over the puddle. However, this time, that didn’t quite work out as it’s supposed to…

Somehow I landed wrong, I’m not sure what happened, but I sort of fell and rolled and landed against the little wall that separates the foot path from the bicycle path. With my ribs.

This was apparently a scary sight as someone who saw me fall screamed. I got up pretty fast, but had all wind knocked out of me so I leaned on the wall to regain my breath. I was shaken, but felt okayish, nothing broken and such, so I answered affirmative when asked if I was okay.

After a couple breaths I went on, I had to catch the bus, after all. I got on the bus, sat down and felt exhausted. I managed to show my ticket and just leaned backwards to settle down. As the bus went on the move, my vision started to get blurry. Like when in a movie or something it starts raining and the drops hit the lens. I got cold and felt myself starting to sweat. My mind was all clear though so I realised that I was this close to fainting.

A lady sitting across got a bit worried and asked if I was okay. She hadn’t actually seen me fall but heard the commotion. I told her I was okayish, just needed to not faint. She kept an eye on my while I waited for the faint to pass. This took about 5-8 minutes, and then my vision cleared up and the cold went away and stuff.

When I got to my stop, I got off and crossed the street to the supermarket. I’d promised Nienke I’d buy ice cream for dessert. I was still a bit woozy, and it was still raining so I stood under the store canopy and called Nienke asking her to pick me up at the store, which she did. She laughed at me after I told her what had happened 😀

Later that evening, and definitely the next day I realised that not only where my knees pretty bruised up, my ribs where too. Yay for that, bruised ribs tend to take a while to heal :S

So here I am, near a week later, my ribs hurt, my friends and colleagues are sympatethic, and making fun of me (as I expect them to :D) for body checking a wall…

 

Posted in: General Tagged: Health, Me, Nienke

Weekly Four: week 4

Sunday, January 30, 2011 by Tse Moana 3 Comments

I’m grateful for WoW, it makes me happy 🙂

I’m happy we got cake at work, it was tasty!

I’m annoyed that the cat peed in my shopping basket. It got a good soak so I threw it out instead of trying to clean it.

I learned I need to seriously get better with my time management :S

Posted in: General, The Week in Review Tagged: Food, Me, Monkey, World of Warcraft

P365: Week 4

Sunday, January 30, 2011 by Tse Moana 1 Comment

Posted in: General, Photos Tagged: Animals, Cats, Food, Graphics, Made by Me, Me, Mom, Monkey, Parents, Photos, Scrapping, Tessa, Work, World of Warcraft

P365: Week 3

Sunday, January 23, 2011 by Tse Moana Leave a Comment

Posted in: General, Photos Tagged: Books, Games, Graphics, Made by Me, Me, Monkey, Nienke, Photos, Scrapping, TV, Work
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