A guy had asked me out (I think my friends were more excited than I was) and I found my thoughts wandering to: “Would I ever want to have sex with him?” My answer was an emphatic “no”. If I’d just stopped there, I wouldn’t have dug up anything unusual. But I continued on with, “Who would I have sex with?” Away from my familiar routine, I felt free to answer: No one.
At that moment, I had a realization. It wasn’t that I was asexual (yet), but that I hadn’t been separating sex in practice from sex in theory. Sex in theory sounded well and good, something I would do when I was “in love” with someone (which still hasn’t happened). But sex in practice was something I never had any interest in. And in that moment, I knew that meeting “the right guy” wouldn’t change that.
THIS. This is, almost word for word, how I came to the same realisation. It can feel so good, sometimes, to find someone out there who gets that stuff in the same way I do.
The post continues with a list of things she has learned since, some more serious than others, but I want to spotlight a few of ’em
- …that I was a normal asexual, not a “failed” heterosexual.
- The gender binary is silly, and some people fall outside of it.
- Being married, or in a romantic relationship, is not an instant cure for loneliness. Plenty of people feel alone, regardless of orientation, and being asexual doesn’t mean you’ll be lonely.
- Heteronormativity is a problem.
- The language we use to talk about sex and romance, from “just friends” to “in a relationship”, could do with some updating.
- It’s okay to not be “in love” with anyone. And the love I do feel is just as valid as romantic love is.
Finally, she ends with a question:
Whether you came out as asexual yesterday or 20 years ago, I want to ask…what have you learned? And if you’re not asexual (or if you like this question better), what are some of the most important things you’ve learned in the past 5 years?
So… what I’ve learned in the past five years, not specifically asexy related…
- Just because I’m now working as a customer service agent after trying a couple different studies and instead of continuing in the field I graduated in does not mean I failed.
- I’m fine by myself as long as I have my friends, my family and my cat
- Playing videogames, World of Warcraft specifically, is a perfectly valid hobby
- Sometimes people you like/respect let you down, and that is okay, because nobody is perfect. It just takes a moment to deal.
- One can never have enough books. Or Billys.
- I don’t need to be in ‘a relationship’ with someone. but should it ever happen, I really don’t give a rat’s ass whether that person is a he, a she, or something else entirely, as long as they and I want to be together.
- There’s a gigantic list of things that are better than sex
- I don’t like being touched, but sometimes a hug feels very good
- Toe socks are awesome
- Do what you want to do, even if you’re not very good at it, as long as it makes you happy